I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
