im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
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