At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
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