Party's warming up, a tranny just got here...
I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
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