saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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