Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
hey, this is the ginger girl from the party...i've thought about it and I wanna join the american girl drinking team
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
