My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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