Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
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