I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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