My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize
