New drinking game watching teenage mutant ninja turtles movie and drinking every time raphael says damn, someone says april or ms oneil, and shredder appears And every time we see a mustache
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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