I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
I expect to be treated like a lady. Even If your sticking it in my ass.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?