I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
