I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
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