he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
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