Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
I just pynch a tree in the face
i just had sex. the condom broke. we're sleeping in to separate beds. And im in albany
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Randomize
