I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
