Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
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And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
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He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
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