Lonely and bored. Am I allowed to play Dance Dance Revolution by myself?
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
i am not an asshole. i paid for her to take a cab home.
dude, we were in ann arbor. she's from cincinnati. ten bucks didn't even get her back on I-94. i maintain my position. you are indeed an asshole.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
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