I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
Randomize
