My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
Randomize
