After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
I just met his other fuck buddy...I am thinking of befriending her just to fuck with him...manuplating my roommates into hating each other is boring me i need something else to do
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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