Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
So much Jack, so little girl.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
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