i fuckib htae you, you church bitch.
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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