If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
You get 5 min
Your time limits don't scare me, I'll include foreplay and redressing in that 5 min. If you wanted to challenge me you should say you got an hour, id be scared then and more creative.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
Randomize
