Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
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