I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
