Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
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