sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
Everyone was high fiveing on their a walks of shame home. God im gonna miss college life
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
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