One of my students just wrote an essay on how ninjas, like drug addicts, must realize they need help before they can get better...I gave it an A+
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Randomize
