I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
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