not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
