see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
So many bounce houses so little time
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
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