i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
E drugging s springing. Ease dnt Kate. To t e. ess e I meant thou.
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
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