when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
You are not answering and I think it is because you spent 80 dollars worth of drinks on you hot cousin.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
Why can't burritos get me drunk
Don't tell me you're on acid again
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
Randomize
