I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
My boob is missing a layer of skin
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
Randomize
