I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
Randomize
