Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
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