aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
Randomize
