this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize
