Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
Randomize
