my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
CHAZ BONO WILL BE ON THE NEXT SEASON OF DANCING WITH THE STARS.
Internet Is back!
MY NEWS TRUMPS YOURS.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
