i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
laying naked on couch sucking water through straw. i can still feel the orgasm from last night. thank you mdma.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
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