I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
Randomize
