Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
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