Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
Randomize
