That's your vagina. No one goes out and burns it
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
Is it bad to go up to the security desk and ask them for the name of the guy I signed in last night? I have absolutley no clue
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
Plus it's a good way to scope out guys. Have them fight for you, like real males do in nature.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Randomize
