I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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