Are we in a gay sports bar?
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
Randomize
