She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
I plan on offering nudes to any guy that wants to give me notes from the past five weeks of class
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
