I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
We're watching a video in class about cheese. The scoring for it sounds like that of a Lifetime movie. My mind is creative. I've continued my own story in my head of a wheel of cheese that was raped and murdered. It's so sad. I hope they get the guy. Btw, the video is about marketing.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
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