I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
I made him an O's fan. One pic of my tits coming out of a Baltimore shirt and it was done.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
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