i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
Randomize
