i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
My penis needs a shock collar
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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