My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
ttyl tear gas
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Randomize
